Think of a time long gone;

 does that soothe your present, love?

Kaleidoscope Mind.

The previous 5 months have been really colourful for you. Colourful in many ways you least expected to experience. You've entered cycles of depression so bad that you refused to get up and live each day. You've entered days of feeling on top of things but reality soon hit. Days like those aren't far gone just yet, but you're up and about today and that is all that matters.

The weeks just flew by when you were so busy doing nothing and drowning in a cloud of gloom you have no idea why looms around. You try to think of reasons; Is it your course? Lack of sleep? Friends? Family? You try to find flaw in everything and anything you can get your mind around. But nothing was as flawed as your mind allowed itself to believe.

You saw shades of grey; the calm before the storm. The days when you felt good enough to get out of bed yet avoid all human contact. You sat up into the wee hours of the morning, leaking sombre tears that had no agenda.

You saw no colour. Nothing. The anti-colour, black, that one colour you think is so misjudged. Those were the days you absolutely could not function. You could not think rationally. Argument after argument, yet your main foe was you. Dark thoughts plagued your head. You were in the phase of playing "God". While this life wasn't your choice, you thought, it was up to you if you wanted to continue it, wasn't it?

You saw bouts of green. Your solace colour, your shield, the colour associated with your feel-good times. The colour apparent on your nails, hair, shoes, earrings, clothes etc. However you had days that green was antagonised. You hated green moments, it did nothing for you but parasite at your soul.

You saw blue aplenty. Light, serene blue that reminded you of the days long gone. Those hours were easy on your mind, nevertheless even you knew primary colours had to be mixed for more substance.

You saw blinks of purple. The regal colour of sorts. One of the colours that kept you stable. It was a fear of your pride being tarnished. You knew perfectly well you were strong, you weren't giving up. You just couldn't find a purpose.  Yet you knew people would take your behaviour as mere weakness. You cared a lot what people perceived you as, but to what avail? You hid and hid, deeper into your velvety chamber that was ruined by fire.

You saw rushes of red frequently. The inner rage you couldn't control. Red that made you want to explode, burn things and smash walls. A colour that signified your loathing, your danger, your strength. All directed toward yourself. Red also gave you a reason to live. Your Bloodlines. You could not be this selfish, could you?

You saw hours and hours of orange. A dear colour to you, a secret well established in your mind. It did well to live in a different dimension. You are grateful for these moments, but oranges offer temporary sweetness only to be overtaken by numbing sour burn. It reminds you that time does not stand still.

You saw periods of brown. You loved its earthy resonance, it brought you back to reality. It was like the occasional breath nature had to offer amidst the pollution of colourful smoke. You got things done. You went back to doing things you loved. It was a colour of hope, that things could go back to the way it was. Brown also happens to be the colour you slipped past by millimetres. you will never forget that.

Nevertheless, you still saw flutters of yellow. Rare, yet seconds you looked forward to most. Just an escape that left you wanting no more than bliss. No more than to leave your sordid cave and to simply bask in the warmth and light it had to offer. It was days like these that you lived for.

These shuffles of colour that defined your mind and soul. Just like a kaleidoscope, these colours were ever-changing, motile, fluid. Some of these periods spanned days, some just minutes. They were horrid moments of frustration, confusion, hatred, surrender. Minutes of pure hopelessness, desperateness, rawness.

You've come to accept your life despite all this, no matter how minimally.  You've learnt again that it does not good to use full stops. Although necessary in certain situations, you knew that you shouldn't rush things. There is a reason why commas existed, after all.

But there's one colour absent, one you need more than any other.
The colour of motivation. 
One you've not defined,


So yeah. I decided, hey, when else more apt to start reblogging that during Autumn? ;)